Learning to Trust...

I want to savor this moment. This one right here.

I am learning that life is a lot like driving a motorbike in a foreign country for the first time. It is crazy, it is dangerous at times and there is a sweetness when you learn to trust yourself even with something you are unsure of and that trust flows into other areas of your life. It can be a positive experience, or it can be negative. The sweetness comes in truly trusting yourself and knowing that you can do whatever you put your mind to.

I was very scared of driving a motorbike. I had never driven one and especially not in another country where there are motorbikes all over the place and from the outside it looks like complete chaos. I was scared I would fall, scrape myself up, or run into someone and do some serious damage. It took me a week to get comfortable with the idea of driving a bike, but after riding with a friend and feeling a need for the freedom that getting on a bike gives you, I decided to go a head with the idea. The practice session went well, so I went to the shop and rented my bike. While driving I felt completely unsure of myself. I was wobbly on the bike and didn’t have the gas/break system quite down yet and nearly rear-ended a van. After a few days of driving around Ubud, Bali I began to get more and more comfortable. I felt now like I trust my driving skills, I trust myself and my ability to get me where I need to go safely. Slowly the wobbling went away and was replaced by a deep sense of trust.

I think life is a lot like that. There are times we don’t fully trust ourselves and consequently we feel out of balance, unaligned and there is a feeling like things are not really working out for us. When we can fully trust ourselves and the process of our life, to trust the flow that is always moving and changing with us right in the middle, then things begin to change. To open up and transform like never before.

When have you not trusted yourself and your process? How did this make you feel? At what times has this occurred and what was the outcome? Did anything change after you began to trust? I find that just like I felt on the motorbike, I begin to feel wobbly when I do not trust myself. I feel off balance and out of sync with the universe. I feel like I can’t find the right words, the creativity that I want to come through, or the ability to feel comfortable in my own skin. There are times that I still have to check in with myself and make sure that I am trusting myself and staying true to me. I feel like I can be a cameleon at times, something I learned at an early age to blend in wherever I go. That is a beautiful thing to be, but I come up against the challenge of truly being myself and seeing what that looks like. Sometimes it changes, I like one thing one minute and not the next, I want to wear something outrageous that I would not wear in the past, but choose to now. It is a constant evolution and I am a constant evolution, the world is a constant evolution. I just want to stay true to myself and my experience of it all through all the change. I have a deep compassion for that. But when I let go and trust the flow of life, but more importantly myself, things change. I change. I feel stronger, more solid and I feel more free. Like this is Me, I am trusting, I love myself and this process however messy and beautiful it may be.

Can we trust through the messy times, as well as those sweet, beautiful moments where everything is working in our favor? It is in the sweetness of trusting the messiness that we really dive deeper into what is, that is where the real treasure lies. To trust that there is a bigger picture than we are aware of, that this is all happening for a greater good. I choose to trust myself, even when I am feeling a bit wobbly, I choose to trust to know that I can do this, all this and more. I feel the freedom in that.

So, as I get back on the bike, day after day with this trust slowly the wobbling goes away. It is replaced by a deep sense of knowing, a strong foundation that carries me into the heart of the chaos, the heart of the beautiful messiness that are the streets of Ubud and life in general.

I begin to let go completely and trust this experience and the next with a savoring of the moment, like one might keep a really yummy dessert in their mouth to savor it for a while. I savor each moment with that kind of awareness and intention.

Love and light,

Erin